英语幽默
知识点：《英语幽默》 收集：云托闪 编辑：桃花姐
本知识点包括：1、英语幽默搞笑短文 2、非常简短的英语幽默故事 3、英语搞笑短文带翻译 4、英文短笑话 5、你想夸别人真幽默时,英语应该怎么说 。
1)TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher:Tom,why are you late for school every day?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go
Slow".
汤姆的借口
老师：汤姆,您为什么每天上学迟到?
汤姆：我每次路过拐角,一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行."
2)
A man goes to church and starts talking to God.He says:"God,what is a million dollars to you?" and God says:"A penny",then the man says:"God,what is a million years to you?" and God says:"a second",then the man says:"God,can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊,一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
3))Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?”
“Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.”
一盒小火柴
妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴.汤米回来后,妈妈问他,“你买的是好用的火柴吗?”
“是的,妈妈.”汤米回答,“我把它们都试过了.”
One day a Wolf,who was eating his dinner much too fast,swallowed a bone,which stuck in his throat and pained him very much.He tried to get it out,but could not.
Just then he saw a Crane passing by.“Dear fiend,” said he to the Crane,“ there is a bone sticking in my throat.You have a good long neck; can't you reach down and pull it out?I will pay you well for it.” “I'll try,” said the Crane.Then he put his head into the Wolf’s mouth,between his sharp teeth,and reaching down,pulled out bone.“There!” said the Wolf,“I am glad it is out; I must be more careful another time.” “I will go now,if you will pay me,” said the Crane.
“Pay you,indeed!” cried the Wolf.“Be thankful that I did not bite your head off when it was in my mouth.You ought to be content with that.”
“Make sure you wash your hands before your piano lesson,” I reminded my eight-year-old son."They're probably dirty from soccer practice."
"Don't have to,Mom," he reassured me."Today I'm practicing in E Flat Minor.They're black keys."
1.Whose Son Is the Greatest
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons."My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman."When he enters a room,people say,'Hello,Monsignor'."
The second mother went on,"My son is a bishop.When he enters a room,people say,'Hello,Your Excellency'."
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one."When he enters a room,people say,'Hello,Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment."My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds," she said."When he enters a room,people say,'Oh,my God'!"
谁的儿子最伟大
四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子.“我的儿子是个教士,”第一位母亲自豪地说道,“他进入房间,人们都说,阁下’.”
第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教.他进入房间,人们都称,大人’.”
“我的儿子是位红衣主教,”第三位母亲接着说,“他走进房间,人们都说,尊敬的主教大人’.”
第四位母亲略思片刻.“我的儿子身高六英尺十,体重三百磅,”她说,“他要是走入房间,人们都说‘哦,我的上帝’!”
2.A Holiday from School
Tommy hated school and was always looking for excuses not to go.
If he sneezed,he asked his mother to write a note saying he had a cold.
If he had a headache,he asked his mother to take him to the doctor during school hours.
He spent more time at home than he did at school.
On the days that he did go to school,he looked for excuses to come home early.
One morning he came home when the lessons were only half finished.
His father was surprised.
"You've come home early," he said."Is the school closed today?"
"No,Dad," Tommy said - "It's open.I came home early.
"How did you do that?" his father asked him."What did you say to the teacher?"
"I told her that I had a new baby brother and that I had to come home and help you ."
"But your mother has had twins," his father said,"a boy and a girl.You've got a baby brother and a baby sister."
"Yes,I know,Dad," Tommy said."I'm saving up my baby sister for next week "
汤姆讨厌上学,总是找借口不去上学.
如果他打喷嚏,他就叫他妈妈写个纸条说他感冒了.
如果他头痛,他就叫他妈妈在上课时间带他去看病.
他呆在家里的时间比在学校的时间要多.
在他的确去上学的日子里,他就找借口早点回家.
一天早上他上了一半课就从学校回来了.
他爸爸很惊讶.
“你回来很早,”他爸爸问,“今天学校放学了吗?”
“没有,爸爸,”汤姆说,“还没放学.我提前回来了.”
“你怎么会提前回来了?”爸爸问,“你对老师说什么了?”
“我告诉她我有了一个小弟弟,我得回家帮你.”
“但是你妈妈生了一对双胞胎,”爸爸说,“一个男孩,一个女孩.你有一个小弟弟和一个小妹妹.”
“是的,我知道,爸爸,”汤姆说,“我要等下个星期再说我有个小妹妹了.”
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads,see how the farms looked,and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard,holding a pig up in his hands,and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,"I see that your pig likes apples,but isn't that quite a waste of time?"The farmer replied,"What's time to a pig?"
一天,有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村,在乡间路上开着车,想看看农庄是什么样子,也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子.这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上,手中抱着一头猪,并把它举得高高的,好让它能够吃到树上的苹果.城里人对农夫说,"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的,但是,这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说,"时间对猪有什么意义?"
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.
Girl:Father,I have sinned.
Preacher:What did you do,little girl?
Girl:Yesterday,I called a man a son of a Bitch.
Preacher:Why?What did he do to you?
Girl:He touched my breast.
Preacher:You mean like this?(The guy did it.)
Girl:(A little shy from the touch) Yes.
Preacher:That's no reason to call him that.
Girl:But he also took off my cloth.
Preacher:You mean like this?(He did it again.)
Girl:Yes,that's what he did.
Preacher:That's still no reason to call him that.
Girl:And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...
Preacher:(evil laugh...) You mean like this?(And you-know-what)
Girl:(After a few minutes...) Ugh...Yeah,that's what he did...
Preacher:My dear girl,that's still no reason to call him a...
Girl:But he had AIDS!
Preacher:THAT SON OF A BITCH!
Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother."How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger,"but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children.Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained,"Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿?
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画.
“看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!”
“是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子.那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”
哥哥想了会儿,然后解释道：“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗.”
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend."She asks me a question,then answers it herself,and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难,”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说,“她问我一个问题,然后自己回答了,过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的.”
Does the dog know the proverb,too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman,"don't be afraid.Don't you know the proverb:Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah,yes," answered the little boy."I know the proverb,but does the dog know the proverb,too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗?
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子.
“没有关系,”一位先生说,“不用害怕,你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人.’”
“啊,我是知道,可是狗也知道吗?”
Speeding
A speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car.“I'm going to give you a ticket for speeding,” said the policeman,writing his note.“You've been driving over 60 miles per hour.”
“Would you mind making it 100,officer?” was the reply.“You see,I'm going to sell the car.”
超速行驶
一名超速行驶的驾驶员被巡逻警车拦住后,警察一边做记录,一边说：“我要给你开一张超速罚单,因为你刚才的车速已经超过了60英里.”
“警官,请你把时速写为100英里好吗?你知道,我正要打算卖这辆车.”
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